How to Avoid the “Love-Killer”
It being the week of Valentine’s Day, this seemed like an appropriate time to talk about love. And, yes, I know… some of you will say that Valentine’s Day has nothing to do with love and that it’s silly to even go there. But I’m going to anyway.
Here’s the thing… many of us have forgotten how to love. And when I talk about “love” I’m referring to a feeling of connection, of deep affection, admiration, and fondness, not the fleeting, fly-by-night “OMG, I totally love those shoes!” kind of love. And because we’ve forgotten how to love, we are often “love-killers” without even realizing it!
I’m grateful every day for the incredible relationship I have with my husband, who also happens to be my best friend. He has been my greatest teacher in so many different ways, not the least of which is on this subject of creating, maintaining and growing love for each other. That being said, things were not always so easy with us and I think I’ve figured out why that is… It’s because we were both, in some ways “love-killers.”
Okay, so what is this “love-killer” I’m talking about?
Here’s an example. See if this sounds familiar…
Early on in most of my romantic relationships, I experienced a whirlwind of different emotions ranging from ecstatic joy to downright terror. At one point or another, all of my “inner critic” voices would come out and I would find myself grappling with this fear that something was going to go horribly wrong. Sometimes the fear would be about being cheated on, other times it was that my feelings (or his) were not being reciprocated, still other times, I freaked because I was afraid I’d lose my independence, and sometimes – ironically – I’d fear that my partner would go out in search of his own independence, leaving me all alone.
I would get so caught up in this fear mindset that I would begin to look for anything I could find to help me feel better. The problem was that usually, the way I went about finding that something was to insist that my significant other say the right thing, do the right thing, change this, change that, stop hanging out with that friend… You get the drift.
And that, my friends, is the “love-killer”!
Any time you need someone else to say something, do something or be something in a certain way so that you can be happy (or be in love or be satisfied with your relationship), you are separating yourself from who-you-really-are and making it downright impossible to really love someone.
So, what can you do to avoid sabotaging your relationship or ones in the future?
Seriously, though, the next time you find yourself feeling down and then you start thinking of all the things your partner needs to do differently so you can feel better, stop yourself. Remember that YOU are responsible for your happiness, not your partner. Shift your thought pattern to those things you are thankful for in your relationship and in your life.
Initially, this will probably be difficult, because we are programmed to want to change things outside of ourselves first. You may have noticed, though, that it doesn’t work. And really, it just makes things worse.
No one changes because someone else wants them to… and it’s not their job to change so you can be happy. It is, though, your job to feel happy, regardless of what’s going on around you.
And it’s SO WORTH IT! Be a “love-grower”! You will feel a thrill of freedom like none other in that moment when you really FEEL what it’s like to shift your own thinking and THEN see how others change their responses to you. It is magical, in a way. The magic of true alignment with your own inner being is the most freeing, wonderful, joyful sensation!
Go give it a try today… shift from “love-killer” to “love-grower” and watch how your relationships blossom!