Full Transcript of the Live Broadcast (in case you’d rather read, instead):
Hi friends! I am Jana Kellam, the creator and founder of The Everlasting Love Club and I’m here today with Hump Day RelationTIP #13, which is The Magic Relationship Ratio and I borrowed very directly from The Gottman Institute from their study on the magic ratio as it relates to successful relationships. Specifically they studied marriages, and people who were in healthy, happy marriages tend to do this one thing or to keep their interactions in this particular ratio. Which I think is fascinating and so I wanted to share it with you today.
So basically the idea is if you are in a relationship specifically a love relationship but really I think that this applies across the board to any kind of relationship — whether it’s with your friends and family or maybe it’s your relationship with your co-workers or your boss or your self your own body or your spirituality that you want to try to keep the ratio of positive interactions to negative interactions at five to one.
So that means any time you have a negative interaction whether it’s a misunderstanding or an actual like all-out fight or some sort of conflict comes up you have to then be sure that there are five other positive interactions within that day or as close as possible to that negative interaction that it almost creates kind of a buffer.
It allows for that negative interaction to happen without it completely destroying the relationship and the trust that you’ve built. So one of the things I really love about this is that it doesn’t assume or assert that healthy, successful relationships will never have any conflict, that there will never be any negative interactions. That’s not possible.
It’s not possible to to have an actual authentic relationship with someone if you don’t have any sort of conflict ever. So I love that about it. I love that it’s real. You know in real life people disagree about things. People get into arguments about things. There’s a lot of stuff going on in the world that’s heavy and intense and sometimes when you bring up those subjects whether it’s on a macro level or whether it’s just what’s going on in your life individually and that can be challenging. But it’s nice to know that you can bring that stuff up and still have a healthy happy successful relationship.
I actually wrote about this about a year ago on my blog (http://www.janakellam.com/two-rules/). But I wrote about it in the context of the trip that my husband and I took to go adopt our son from China and how we were very, very intentional about any time there was a negative interaction — because we assumed that there would be some… it’s a stressful experience — we would make sure to just compliment the s**t out of each other. And we were — we probably went even more in the other direction… even more than five.
I mean, we were complimenting everything from like, “Wow! Great job putting Zi into the Ergo!” Or, “Great job wiping snot off his nose!” Or whatever it was… we were really, really intentional about that and it made our entire experience really powerful. We came out on the other side of it instead of kind of depleted in our relationship and our connection, we actually were much more bonded and our relationship got better and better after that.
So that’s why I wanted to share this with you today.
I encourage you to try that out in any of your relationships. So as soon as you have a negative interaction with someone or you feel the need to have a negative interaction, think about all of the things that you can couch that in… Any five positive interactions. And a “positive interaction” doesn’t necessarily have to mean a compliment, although it can. A positive interaction could be just touching them on the shoulder, hugging them, telling them you love them, or making a meal for them. Or however it is that you show love.
So that is your Hump Day RelationTIP for today. I hope that that has been useful to you. If you have any questions about it
or if you want to share your own experience with that magical relationship ratio, I’d love to hear from you. And I hope you have a wonderful day!
I’ll see you again next week! Thank you so much! Bye!