The Official Transcript:

Has anyone noticed that I talk in run-on sentences? Ok, anyway, onward…

Hi friends! This is Jana Kellam here with
Hump Day RelationTIP #15, which is
Changing One Word. And I’m really excited about this tip, because I think it’s
really easy one to implement and I think
it can make a huge change — it can really
shift the way that you are in your
romantic relationships, in your
family relationships, but you have to
use it. This is one of those things — like
with all of my tips — you have to use it
in order for it to change things. But I
think this is a really good one and one
that I have been finding very
useful for myself and for my clients
lately. So essentially what I’m
seeing or what I’ve experienced in
relationships is that very often
it’s easy to feel angry and it’s easy to
express that anger, especially if you’ve
been in a relationship for a long time.

I’m not sure why this is, but there tends
to be this
if something that your partner does frustrates you or
irritates you
or just kind of drives you crazy, it’s
going to be really easy to say
I really wish you hadn’t done that,
really pisses me off when you, or I’m
mad that you _____ (fill in the blank thing,
whatever it happens to be). But the
only problem with that — and it’s great
that there’s communication that’s
happening —
here’s the problem with that though… very
often anger is a cover, not the actual emotion
that you’re feeling. It is a cover for

There’s a fear that is underlying
that emotion and — hi Lena! —
Thanks for being here! And so when
you’re feeling those intense emotions
our natural habit is to go
from that whatever it is that we’re
afraid of into anger.

That’s an easier, more powerful emotion
to feel… so it’s easy to shift into
that. I would like to encourage you to
try replacing the “I’m angry that…”
with “I’m afraid that…” And that
might feel terrifying to you to
even go there, because acknowledging that fear almost elicits like a panic
response at first. But I guarantee you
that if you can allow yourself to
acknowledge what the fear is that
underlying that anger,
it will shift everything. Everything will
be different in a way that is
sometimes even hard to to grasp because
going to that vulnerable place, going to
that place of “I’m afraid that…” puts you
into an open space of communication
that allows for the relationship to
really — or for that person to really
address what’s going on for you, because
you’re not really angry.

You’re really afraid and and once you
acknowledge that and are honest about
that and truthful about that, it gives
the other person the opportunity to hear
that and then to be able to make some
shifts so that things can actually
change. Things can actually get
better in your relationship and you can
actually come from a deeper more
authentic place in your relationship.

So this is my RelationTIP and it’s
it’s actually my challenge to you.
You know, if in your individual
one-on-one relationships and really like
when you’re looking out into the world
when you see things,
let’s say the election that’s happening
right now. There’s a lot of people
who are letting a lot of anger come up and
they’re furious with you know these
people because they’re doing this thing
and what it really is is fear. And when
you acknowledge that and when you speak
that truth about yourself, it changes
everything for you and it changes
everything for the people that you’re
communicating with. So yeah I’m not
going to say anything else about the
political ramifications of that,
but just know for your one-on-one, your
intimate relationships, having that
sense of I’m feeling this
frustration or this anger or this rage
coming up. And then asking yourself what
is it that I’m afraid of? And
then communicating it in that way… I’m
afraid that ____ instead of I’m angry that ____.

So give that a try. I would love to hear
from you about how that works for you,
what you notice when you implement that
RelationTIP and I am so looking forward
to seeing you next week! I’ll have a
Lessons from Jove coming out Monday
August 1st, so my Hump Day RelationTIP will be related to that and so I’m excited about
that and I’m excited about hearing how
changing out anger for fear in your
communications in your discussions in
your conversations impacts your life.

Thank you so much for being here and for
listening and I will see you next week! Bye!