Transcript:

Hello there! This is Jana Kellam and I am
bringing you Hump Day RelationTIP #16
which is: How Are Your
Boundaries? And I just wrote and
published my Lessons from Jove #5 I believe it was, which is all about
the boundary — what I call the “boundary
continuum” and so today I wanted to talk
a little bit more about boundaries and
that boundary continuum, and how you can
determine where you fall on that
continuum and possibly a little bit
at the end about how to actually set
those boundaries in a way that feels
good to you and that allows the people
around you to feel good about that too.

So we’ll see how we’re doing on time…
I may have to split this up into two so
so that this one doesn’t go super super long.
Because I want these to all be little
bite-sized pieces that you can get a lot
from. So let’s talk about the boundary
continuum. So I think of —
well first let me define boundaries.
Boundaries are how we tell the world how
to treat us. So they identify the things
that are ok with you and the things that
are not okay with you and it’s a
really important process to go through
for you to determine what’s okay with
you and what isn’t, how you want to be
treated, and to be sure that you’re
treating yourself in the way that you
expect other people to treat you. So
let’s start out with talking about the
one far end of the boundary spectrum
which is what I call is basically
being a doormat. You have no boundaries.
None whatsoever. You have —
you kind of let people come in and
take advantage of you. Any time
anybody ask you to do anything you’re
saying yes to it, even if it’s the last
thing you want to be doing… even if you
have no time, etc.

And the other
aspect of when you have no boundaries
and you are letting everybody take, take,
take, take, take from you… the other end of
that is that you tend to also have a
hard time recognizing the boundaries of
others. That’s kind of the flip side
of that. So that’s the doormat end of
the spectrum.

It’s really easy to tell if you are
there because generally speaking what
that feels like
is you kind of feel used.
You feel taken advantage of. You feel a
little bit
ultimately resentful that people are
taking advantage of you in that way and
that resentment and that feeling used
and taken advantage of
ultimately turns into anger. And that
anger — as we’ve talked about before — tends
to be kind of a cover-up for fear. And
very often the reason that we say yes to
everything — the reason that we have no
boundaries — is because we’re afraid that
if we don’t then we’ll be taken
advantage of. So it’s like this kind of —
what’s the word for it? —
Vicious cycle! That’s what it is… it’s a vicious cycle. So people who are in that space with
their boundaries tend to —
tend to have a lot of people around,
but all those people who are around are
not really people that that you feel
safe with.
They’re not really people that you would
count as like your solid — like the people
who have your back. The people who would do anything for you.

And so they may look like
they’ve got this whole social thing down:
they probably always have a partner,
boyfriend, girlfriend, and those partners
are usually always people who are takers.
And so that’s kind of how you can
tell if you are in the doormat end of
the spectrum. And then way on the other
end of the spectrum is that kind of
“towering wall.” And I sometimes think of
that as being like in Game of Thrones
and I don’t know if you watch that
show — (it’s a great show!) — but there’s a huge wall and that huge wall was built to
keep out the White Walkers (these scary like human killers) from where people live and
it’s also got kind of magic in it and
basically it’s like nothing’s getting
out and nothing’s getting in,
unless there’s a decision
to open the gate, and
there’s this whole process around that…

So anyway, the point behind this is if you
are one of those people who has put up
walls it’s almost always because you
have been hurt in the past, you have been
betrayed in the past, people have taken
advantage of you in the past.
Maybe you were one of those doormat kinds of people in your life, and then you thought
“you know what, I’m all done with this!” and
then you have swung that pendulum all
the way to the other side and now you
won’t do anything for anyone.
and you know vice versa…
nobody’s doing anything for you because
there’s no give and take. There’s
nothing — you just kind of don’t… you just
don’t let people in. You don’t let people
see the real you.
What people do see is just kind of your
facade. It’s like this kind of
character that you’ve created that
feels like, “this is how I can be safe.”
Unfortunately that is ultimately not
safe either.

So if you are one of these people
you’ll know that this is you because
you’ll feel sort of numb. You might feel kind
of like a stiffness in your body.

You probably feel misunderstood, like
“nobody ever really gets me.”
You probably feel lonely and
disconnected.

Even if you have people around you, you
probably feel like they just don’t
really know me and I don’t really
know them. And so ultimately having those
kind of walls leaves you feeling lonely
and it’s my belief that human beings
were meant to have community, were meant to be connected. And so when you’re in
that space of having those walls up
around you, you can’t you can’t have that
connection you can’t have that community
and ultimately that feels unsafe.

So putting up walls are intended to be
there to keep you safe, but they
ironically kind of create the opposite
environment. So then
there’s this kind of middle happy medium.

That’s where you create healthy
boundaries.

And healthy boundaries feels like
there’s a give-and-take, like there’s a
flow, like there’s a dynamic that works
in a relationship where you know that
you can say no to something if it
doesn’t work for you and the other
person will respect that.

So there’s a mutual respect there is it
there you feel comfortable doing for
them because you know that they
will appreciate it and that they won’t
just kind of keep taking taking taking
taking. So ultimately, you get to feel
happy, and you get to feel safe, and you
get to feel secure, and you get to feel
connected, and in love, and all of those
things that we want. And you also tend to
have a solid group of people around you.
Whether it’s a huge group
or a small group, it doesn’t really
matter, it’s a group that you
really know “they they’ve got my back and
they get me and I get them” and even
if you haven’t seen them for a long time
when you see them again you feel like
it’s been no time.

That’s all a result of having
healthy boundaries.

So let’s see here… how long has it been…? I’m going to go ahead and keep going and
talk a little bit about setting
boundaries in a way that I learned
from the work that I did with horses. And you can read a little bit more about
that here on my website if you would like to, but essentially a big part of setting
boundaries in a healthy way and one
that is mutually beneficial is to start
off with the smallest amount of
energy that you need to make your point.

So if you need to say no to something
you don’t need to be like, “NO! You can’t! And blah!!!”
Freak out on the person, right?!

You can turn that knob a little
bit. you may even start with just kind of
bringing your energy up, create that energetic space.
And if that doesn’t work, then you might
escalate it a little bit and say
“Just no, this isn’t okay with me.’

And if that person still doesn’t
get it, then you can keep
ratcheting up. And you may eventually
need to get to the point where you’re
like, “NO!” but that doesn’t
really need to be — (totally random comments about the Facebook Live emojis…)
When somebody likes or loves something, a little heart come up… so thank you for
whoever did that! 🙂
So that’s kind of the the first…
(more reacting to Facebook Live emojis…) I guess that was funny! People who watch
this on YouTube or somewhere later are going to be like, “What the hell?”
Jana has lost her mind!” This is on
Facebook Live so if you aren’t watching
it on Facebook, you won’t see these
little things… Anyhow… um ok so that’s
how to start setting that
boundary in a way that feels good to you.

And I would also say that you can
be aware of when someone else is setting
a boundary for you based on how it feels
in your body. So very often we
cross over people’s boundaries without even realizing it,
because we’re not really
taught to tune in to our inner guidance
about that.

Sp if you are asking someone to do
something for you, or you are saying
something to someone,
or you are in someone’s space, or there’s
some sort of situation going on, and that
person is trying to set a boundary,
but maybe not being totally clear about
it… you’ll be able to feel that in your
body. You can actually — it’s kind of like
if you’ve ever had the experience of
walking down the street and
someone walks up behind you and you can
feel them, even though you
can’t see them, because they’re —
obviously, unless you have eyes in the
back of your head… So you can
FEEL them even though you can’t SEE them
and you can’t HEAR them. Your physical senses aren’t necessarily
telling you that someone is coming,
but you can FEEL that. It’s that same
kind of thing. So if somebody else is
trying to set their boundary or you
cross somebody’s boundary
you can feel it.

And this is a practice. You’ll hear me say this over and
over again.. it is a practice, but start to
listen. If you’re noticing that
something feels a little bit off either
when you’re trying to set a boundary or
when someone else is trying to set a
boundary then tune into that and really
just give yourself a minute
to listen.

Does this feel right? Does this feel okay?
Does this feel like what’s
happening here is being understood, being
respected? And I think that that is one
of the hardest things to do because we
are in such a
Go! Go! Go! society and
we don’t tend to tune into that kind of thing.

So my encouragement for you today,
my suggestion for you today from this
Hump Day RelationTIP is to first figure
out where you are on the boundary continuum.

Are you a doormat or do you have
towering walls or do you have really
healthy boundaries? And then based on that,
what could you do to get to a place
of even healthier boundaries than you
already have? And the second
piece of that is once you figure that
out, then start to listen to your own
intuition, your own inner guidance when
there is any sort of
interaction where there needs to be a
boundary set.

Ok, so that’s what I have for you today
for Hump Day RelationTIP #16 and
I hope that you have a wonderful day!

I highly highly highly recommend that
you check out my Lessons from Jove about this subject. And I believe I have the
link already in the description but if not I will add it there. And so check
that out.

Let me know what you think and give that little homework assignment a try. Let me know how that goes for you too.

Thank you so much for being here! Bye guys!

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