As a relationship coach, I can’t in good conscience not talk about sex. And what better way to dive into the subject than with a 20-minute presentation by a therapist?

No, wait. Come back! It’s not that bad, I promise. Go watch this TED Talk and then we’ll discuss.

Go ahead. I’ll wait. πŸ™‚

There’s a lot of great material there, but I really want to focus on one small aspect of Esther’s talk: the “myth of spontaneity.” Essentially, that’s the idea that your desire for intimacy is “going to fall from heaven while folding laundry.”

It doesn’t work that way, does it? But yet, we still have this belief that we should wait around to be aroused.

You’ll be waiting for a while… a very long while.

What do couples who maintain their desire have in common? They are focused, present, committed and intentional about their intimacy. Those of you who know me well – especially my clients who are reading this – are probably not surprised at all to hear those words strung together. I talk incessantly about focus, being in the moment, committing and intending. I believe those four things are critical to creating a great relationship (heck, really a great life!).

Successful individuals and successful couples know that you have to “take the bull by the horns” and “carpe diem” and endless other encouragements about taking action. Sex is not a spectator sport, people. If you want to get the intimacy back in your long-term relationship, you have to be willing to go get it… even when you’re tired, even when you have a headache, even when it’s been a bad day (especially when it’s been a bad day!), even when you just don’t feel like it.

Act like your relationship depends on it… because in some ways, it just might.

So there’s the charge for you, Lovely Face. If you’re currently in a long-term relationship that’s lost its sizzle, do something today to get it back. Make it specific and really commit to doing it. And if you aren’t in a long-term relationship right now, commit to doing something to bring back the sizzle for yourself… if you know what I mean. πŸ˜‰